Left as a comment over at Czeltic Girl, but I like it so I'm re-publishing it here:

Vidiot's Grumpy, Snobbish, And Cantankerous Yet Iron-Clad Rules of Drinking:

1.  It is absolutely not permitted to order a mixed drink when one doesn't have the foggiest idea what it contains.

2.  It is not permitted to order a drink solely because of its outré or "shocking" name, because it's illegal in parts of the world, or because it has been set on fire.

3.  Beer belongs in a glass. 

4.  Ice belongs in many fine places, but not in Scotch.

5.  Same deal with soda.

6.  Pay no further attention to anyone who uses the phrase "bruise the gin."

7.  If you can legally buy alcohol, you're too old for drinking games.

8.  It is not permitted to drink an alcoholic beverage through a straw.

9.  A bar that only has plastic disposable shot glasses is one to be avoided.

10.  A Martini contains gin and vermouth and sometimes bitters.  It does not contain vodka, apples, or chocolate syrup.  Those other drinks may be acceptable on occasion, but they are not Martinis.

11.  A Martini contains gin and vermouth. Do not waste valuable drinking time by spritzing the gin with vermouth, waving the vermouth bottle around, reciting incantations directed at the vermouth, or other such foofaw. If all you want is a glass of cold gin, simply order accordingly.

(Orange bitters are a fine addition.)

Actually, that leads me to:

12.   The use of aromatic bitters in cocktails is heartily encouraged, and in some cases, absolutely required.

UPDATE:  Brittney, a former bartender, adds #13:

13.   Frozen drinks only happen on the beach.  Not in bars anywhere else.

Comments

[dana]

2. It is not permitted to order a drink solely because of its outré or "shocking" name, because it's illegal in parts of the world, or because it has been set on fire.

[emphasis mine]

::cough:: Corpse Reviver 2 ::cough::

[Vidiot]

Actually, I was shocked when they made it with absinthe -- I was expecting Pernod or possibly Herbsaint, but not that.

(And yes, that line was written with absinthe in mind...but it was directed at the college kids who think absinthe is cool because "they totally drink it in Prague, man", or because Jim Morrison drank it. Absinthe can be good, but it's not some magical potion just because it's (dumbly) illegal here.

(And Czech absinthe blows, IMHO.)

[czeltic girl]

When I was bartending, some idiot asked if we made any frozen drinks. I told him I could make him a weak cocktail and he could stand out on the sidewalk with it until it froze.

If I remember correctly, he didn't tip me. Odd.